The Short Story of My Anxiety

Lets see what did I do today...I woke up at about 6:45am after going to sleep about 3 coughing my head off. Then I had it in my mind that I couldn't stop coughing. So i continued coughing on and off for about 20 minutes. Ahhh the lovely world of anxiety. Coughing is actually where my first panic attack stemmed from.
It was a few weeks after I had my oldest. And I was overtired, over emotional, and I had a bad cold to top things off. My husband being the loving guy he is woke me up to inform me I was coughing too loud and I was going to wake the baby.
 Apparently I haven't changed since childhood.
 When you tell me to stop doing something it makes me want to do it more. And more I did. Then I couldn't stop. Then I told the husband I couldn't breathe, then I briefly lost my mind. That's pretty much when I lost my normal life too. That night I was able to be convinced that I was breathing, and that I would in fact eventually stop coughing. The first of many "pep talks" Jason would be giving me over the next 6 years. I did eventually stop coughing, but I had the constant fear that I would have that feeling again. And so as the old saying goes "If you build it they will come"...Wait that quote really doesn't fit. But I am too lazy to backspace at the moment so deal with it. But anyways you get my drift. The more I thought about that crazy feeling I had, the racing thoughts, the rapid heartbeat, the hot and cold body temperature. The more I dreaded the next time it would happen. So in doing that I created a vicious cycle. And it did indeed happen again. But in different ways. Sometimes it would hit at night when I was doing nothing but waiting for it to come. Then it started happening during the day when  I was alone with the baby. Making me absolutely terrified to be alone with my new baby because I was afraid I would die of some horrible constant coughing disease and she would be with me helpless.  So that started another vicious cycle of me being afraid to be alone with my baby. And I refused to be alone with her for 6 months. Hardest, most guilt ridden 6 months of my life.
 I know you are thinking "did she go to the doc?" Honestly I didn't go for a while. I was scared they were going to call me crazy and throw me in a mental institute. But finally I went and they prescribed me something. And I swear it made me worse after 1 pill. Now keep in mind I was new to the anxiety game. I didn't know they had side effects and took time to work (Like 6 weeks). I hightailed it to the ER so fast and told them I was going to pass out and die, right there. They had better do something. So I got the checkup. Nothing wrong with me but anxiety. I was clearly hating this damn word. Anxiety. What a heinous word. So that was the beginning of the anxiety train. To make a long story short, cause it is a long story, I ended up going to the ER 5 times in one week. I also went to the doctor numerous times. I tried to get therapy. They told me I had to be suicidal for them to squeeze me in. "Are you suicidal?" "No dumb ass I am as far from suicidal as possible, I FEAR death" "Then move along we can't help" So move along I did. I actually started avoiding everything and anything that made me the slightest bit anxious. That led to not leaving my house for 6 months.  Not the best solution. But eventually I found an online support group where people actually made sense of this anxiety crap. And it helped me more then I can ever express my gratitude for. Then I went on a new med, knowing the side effects in advance and knowing to give it a chance to work. Started thinking positive about everything.
 So I still have anxiety. I think I always will. I honestly think everyone does to some degree. But I cope better with it these days. I still avoid things. But not everything. That's the main thing. I am moving on. And even if its one step back and 2 steps forward, I will eventually get to my destination.
Tomorrows blog (if I am so inspired to do one LOL) will be a happier one, a more ranting one. The kind I am now famous for. But we can't be a clown our whole life can we? So I must take a serious moment now and again. You'll deal.  Mellie Out.