The Life and Times of Kenzie

This is the beginning of the story of Kenzie. This is Kenzie inside me. Even then she was wild. To this day I cannot cough or run or jump without peeing a little. And that is because she loved my bladder as a soccer ball.

This is Kenzie an hour after coming into the world.  Looks so peaceful. A little known fact about Kenzie is that she will always be on time. She came on her exact due date. And she does things as fast as she wants to. I didn't even really push to get her out. Impatient much?

Here is Kenz 3 months later. Still as impatient as when she came into the world but a lil louder with her demands by now. I see her personality growing already here. She already knows how to get a laugh.

Here she is at 6 months old. Look at the smile. That smile will get her anything she wants. Still does. And she is still a ham for the camera. At this age she didn't really cry unless she was hungry or trying to get a poop out. Now you know why I wonder daily if Kenzie pooped. Cause right around this age it started getting hard for her to get her poopies out. Dairy does not like her.

Fast forward 6 months. This is Kenz on her first birthday. What a beauty. What a determined little girl in everything she does. Doesn't take no as an answer and doesn't care who she embarrasses to get her feelings out. Wild? Hell yea.  Would I change her? Hell no.

May I present Miss Kenzie Doris at 2 years old. Hater of clothes. Lover of accessories. A year later some things still haven't changed. She will put on socks and wear them all day, even add a scarf. But never NEVER a shirt or pants. I foresee her joining a nudist colony. I truly do.

And last but certainly not least Kenzie present day. (Well actually like a week ago) Still a control freak. Still wild. Still really hates clothes. But I told her if she doesn't cover her bootie when shes outside the cops will come. Yea I lie. It works. Don't judge me.

Still one of the two most perfect things I have ever done with my life. No regrets at all about either of them. There are days they drive me insane. What parent doesn't have those days? But they make up for them when they make me laugh or outta the blue tell me they love me.  I will be doing a "Through the years" blog for Julie when I can get the pics together. I have had a few computer crashes since she was born, so the pics aren't as available. But I will get it done.

In closing this particular post was meant to be about reasons why I get up and face the world. Kenzie is one of many. One of the top might I add. And when life me gets me down I know I can ask Kenzie to dance like a monkey and shake her butt to make me laugh. Then nothing seems as bad as it was. Kids are great like that.

"Parenting is never easy, and if someone ever tells you it is, they aren't doing it right."-Anonymous

Mellie Out.

The Work Starts Now

I realize every time I log on to write this blog that my title really hasn't came into play since I started the blog. When I thought of the name I was in the midst of multiple tornado watches, warnings, major thunderstorms, baseball sized hail, wind advisories and torrential rain.
Welcome to Oklahoma.
Two separate times in 2 weeks I actually had to take the kids down to the basement because of tornado warnings. But that was last month. Now its just hot. I think I will take the hot over the tornado threat. But at any rate the blog title shall remain because I think not only is it a cool name, its kinda morbid and dark. Usually I am not a real morbid dark person but I still think the title is fitting. Maybe just because of my dark sense of humor.
What else is going on in Mellieville? Not alot actually. Cleaned like my life was on the line if I didn't yesterday. All because my Mother-in-Law bought us a recliner at a yard sale. My house is so small that I have to do major rearranging (and cleaning in this case) to make things look like they aren't on top of each other. And I accomplished that, I think. So I am happy. Although I did think my husband was going to kill me and bury my body after we had just drained and moved our 30 gallon fish tank and filled it again when I said "I think I liked it better where it was." If  looks could kill... I was just kidding Hun. Kinda.
So after we accomplished our impromptu beginning of summer cleaning it was time to relax. Apparently that's a concept I can't get behind because every time I sit still and do nothing the mind starts going 100 mph. And then the anxiety gets its fuel. So I had some anxiety last night. Always something health related for me. My anxiety doesn't really mess with my mental stuff. Just my physical being. I am grateful for that.  It could be worse. Because in all honesty when I think I am having a stroke or a brain tumor I usually manage to put dinner on the table, play a game of Candyland and wrestle the girls. That pretty much blows my stroke and brain tumor theories to bits.
I also spoke to a few friends about my anxiety last night. That's always nice to hear from people who "get it". I love to hear their stories and alot of times I am thankful that they sound more crazy then me. Sorry guys but its true. I have all the empathy in the world, but I wouldn't trade places with you.
I think its just time to get back to Miss Positivity 24/7. Obviously its not something you just automatically can make yourself do all the time. You miss one day and your outta the loop. So I am going back to it. And I know a few of my friends have been more anxious then usual here lately too. So I suggest you do the same. And I think I am going to start posting some positive quotes, or stories here at the end of my posts just to get the train rolling.
I will still rant, I will still bitch, I will still make fun of things that strike me as funny. But I will be positive about things regarding me and my life. Because in all reality I have it pretty good. And anxiety is not going to stop me from living the life I can live. That I want to live. That I will live. The works starts now.

"What does crazy means? Crazy means doing something the same way over and over and expecting to get a different result." -Major24 :)

Mellie Out.

Random Rantings

I've done a couple sappy, cheesy blogs this week so I think it is time to go back to regular Mel mode. My ranting. Currently my rants have happening more lately.
First rant HAS to be about Walmart. What freakin' idiots.
So here's the back story. Someone ordered us a pool. A nice pool by the way. Last Friday night she ordered it. And she asked how I would like it shipped. Well having just seen a Walmart commercial I decided site to store would be quickest. Because my friends, on the commercial it seems you find what you want online, order it, pay for it, then drive to the store to get it. This is not the case my friends. Misleading advertising if I have ever seen it before. Apparently you order it, pay for it, then wait for it to ship from a walmart warehouse three thousand miles away, to a delivery warehouse, to the store. We ordered it May 29th. On the form it says I should have it on or before June 16th. Seriously?!? 3 weeks to get something you have 25 of in stock at the store RIGHT now? You have my money but I can't have my product? That's about the lamest thing that has ever happened to me in a long time.
And apparently I do not read the fine print of these commercials. And since we placed the order I haven't seen the commercial  again to actually find out if there is fine print to be read.  So not only do I have to wait an ungodly amount of time for the pool, I also have to drive 30+ minutes to go get it. Which I guess is okay in retrospect since I didn't actually pay for the pool. But the rant stands.
My next rant is going to have to be about Friday night television programming. Do these big execs think EVERYONE has a life and isn't home on Friday nights? There is crap to watch on a Friday night. Nothing. I will admit that I am not a huge TV watcher, but I do always have it on the background and I would like to listen to something I haven't seen/heard 500 times before or listen to some prepubescent kid spelling asphyxiation on the National Spelling Bee. I cannot wait till next month when my show starts. At least then I can count on 3 days a week of something that actually interests me. And that would be Big Brother.
Okay, what else do I have? My kids have been wilder then usual the last two days. I think Summeritis has set in. Poor Julie has no idea what to do with herself except follow me around and ask me questions like "Mom why do birds chirp?" or "Momma why don't you clean our room for us so we don't have to?" My personal favorite was today's "Momma why do you ask us if we have worms?"
That's right, I ask if them have worms daily now. Because my grocery bill has doubled since Jules has been out of school. And not only has her appetite grown, but Kenzies has too. I thought hot weather made you less hungry? Not my kids. They want something constantly. And I think its more boredom then anything else. Hopefully when the pool comes and we get it up and ready it will cure some boredom. Even my own I hope.
I have more rants but I am too tired to even type them right now. Boredom has finally wore me down. So goodnight avid blog readers. Mellie Out.

Pay It Forward

I have this friend I met about 6 years ago online. The circumstances under which we meant were not fun at the time. I was in the midst of a panic attack and looking for people who would understand. I didn't think they existed. So I googled a chat room for anxiety. And found one where everyone knew what I was talking about. But one person chose to take me under her wing and explain to me what was happening and why  I shouldn't give it so much power over my life.
 This person helped me more then I can ever put into words. And to this day she still helps me. We live in different countries, thousands of miles apart, but we click like we've known each other since the beginning of time. She gets my dry sense of humor and I get hers. She gets how hard it is being broke all the time and trying to find fun things to do on a budget.
This person has not only given me ideas on things to do on a budget, but she has bought me and my family things. Fun things, necessity things, and just things she thinks we would like. And her only request for doing so is that when I can I should pay it forward.
To pay it forward I tend to take people under my wing when they need a listening ear, and I tell them what has worked for me in the past. I listen to their problems and try to give solutions that would help them. I am not in the position to financially pay it forward to someone the way she has. But I also try to give what I can to what I think is a good cause. Even if its sending an extra dollar to school when they are having popcorn and pickle day, for someone who forgot their money or can't afford it. I think this is my way of teaching Jules to pay it forward herself. Cause I let her decide who needs it.
Now if I thought she would appreciate it I would shout her name from rooftops just to get the point across that I think she is fantastic. But shes not that kind of person. She would rather remain anonymous. So I will grant her that wish. And I also think I am being a little selfish cause I don't want you to know her, as I want to keep her to myself.
I also have another friend that reminds me of this anonymous person. And she found me in a moment of need. I hope she sees me as I see my friend. The newish friend is also great to me. And she has came strides in her anxiety battle, and I see her coming even further. No doubt about it. After all she had a great mentor. Me. No, in all honestly she will go far in her battle because she has the persistence of a pit bull and the caring nature of an angel. And that will get her far. And when she stumbles I will be there. Just like my friend is for me.
Overall the message is this: If someone has done something kind for you, even as little as shooting you a smile in a store when your having a crappy day. Pay it forward. It would make the world a better place.
So for my special friends, know you have touched me deeply. Know I love you both. And I am lucky to have you both in my life.  If I didn't already have the worlds best mother I would gladly claim either one of you.  Mellie Out.

Tales From the Childhood Part Two

I figured since we talked about times that happened with my little brother last night, it was only right to move on to the older brother. Now my older brother is 9 years older then me. Practically an old man now. Ba ha. But back when I was say about 5 and he was 14 he would babysit me frequently.
Now Mom I know you are reading this. You should know AGAIN, that these were the most traumatizing times of my life. I suppose it could be called a typical brother sister relationship. I've heard others horror stories about what their older siblings did. But I don't think your older brothers or sisters were as calculating, prepared and overly zealous about their planned time with you.
 One moment that stands out was my loving brother holding me over the banister of the upstairs by my ankles pretending he couldn't hang on to me for long. And he kept saying "Stop struggling Melissa!" Um hey stupid, I am about 15 feet up looking at my head being squished momentarily and you don't want me to put up a fight? Yea that ain't happening.
 Another frequent thing he did was take my favorite doll that I couldn't sleep without her and at the time thought was my real baby and putting her on the ceiling fan and holding me down and making me watch her fly around and around until my poor Drowsy Beans couldn't hold on any longer and flew off.
Drowsy Beans would eventually get revenge for me and her both.
I also remember watching TV one night and hearing my brothers blood curdling scream. I half assed still cared about him at this point in time, so of course I went to see what happened. I ran into the kitchen where I thought I heard the scream coming from to find my brother with a knife stabbed into the side of his chest (Actually between his arm and his body) with blood spattered EVERYWHERE (Actually ketchup). And my brother with his last dying breath tells me "Their still in the house, run!"
Now I don't really remember what I did after this. I think I have blocked this horrible memory from my mind as a coping technique and to remain somewhat normal. But I do remember that I was all of a sudden afraid of that dark after this night. Now you know why Mom.
My brother also was infamous for "smothering" me. Now smothering me consists of taking any bed pillow you have and holding it over someones face telling them that you are cutting all their air off. If you couldn't tell already I was pretty naive. So making me hyperventilate was the goal. Worked every time too.
On one such smothering occasion, which would turn out to be the last, my brother left Drowsy Beans in my reach. Drowsy Beans had a hard plastic head and a body filled with what felt like rice. But I guess they were meant to feel like beans. Anyhow. I picked up Drowsy Beans and commenced to beating my brother about the head and the shoulders as hard as I could. And I was making definite contact. Cause he was getting madder. So then he got my doll away from me, but I still had my arm out. So I reached up and pulled his hair so hard I came back with a handful. He had a lovely bald spot for 6-8 weeks after that. Now he just has one cause hes old. He also had some red marks from good ole Drowsy Beans. Gawd I love that doll. And I still have her today. I need to bring her with me the next time I see my brother, just for good old times sake.
I like to think this is the point in my life where I learned to fight back and not take crap from anyone. Because it did indeed stop most of his shenanigans. I think I saved my little brother from ever knowing the torture my big brother could bring. So Tony, don't ever say I've never done anything for you.
But as I grew up and Vernon (my older brothers name) did too, we became closer. And we actually developed a pretty cool relationship. He was the first one to ever let me try driving. He was the one who would overpay me for a 3 hour babysitting job just cause he knew I was never getting an allowance at home. And he will always be my childhood  rescuer from mean people, hard times, and shitty circumstances.  All in all without taking into account what a horrible horrible child he was. Hes a pretty cool adult. And thank God his wife and kids are the only ones that have to put up with him daily. Love ya Vern. Mellie Out.

Tales From the Childhood

So I was talking to my momma today. And she was going on about how she loves my blog and how I phrase things. And the random thoughts that pop into my head. Ahhh the unconditional love of a parent.
So then my mom told me I should do a post about things that happened when I was little. She threw a few memories at me and I think I will roll with them. I don't expect them to be in chronological order because really nothing about any of my posts ever are in any sort of order. And off we go.
The first real memory that comes to mind is the one that my mom always cracks up when shes telling other people. So this is for you Mom.
When we lived in Arizona there wasn't much to do cause it was a retirement town at the time really. No other kids our age were close by. No real summer programs. Nothing in all reality. But I did have my little brother. We did everything together. Played all the time. Made up crazy games and went everywhere on our bikes together. Which leads me to the story. On this particular day my brother and I had decided to ride our bikes to the library. The ONE thing we could do in that town on certain days during limited hours. So we go to the library. All in all a very boring trek there and boring till we get about a 1/2 mile from home. That's when I decided I needed a drink of water so we stopped on the road and got the thermos out that we always took filled with water. First before I go any further I need to describe this thermos. Its not one of those thermoses little kids put in their lunch boxes and take to school. I am talking a truckers Thermos. The stainless steel 7 pound er bad boy of all thermoses. Why did we take that big of a thermos with us? Because it was Arizona and 120 freaking degrees. So anyway back to the story. We stop to get a drink, and I get the thermos and finish all the water. Then my brother decides he wants some. So I hand him the thermos. Mistake one. I didn't tell him I finished it. I thought it would be funny for him to find out the hard way. Well he didn't think it was funny at all. And he yelled at me. So I made fun of what a whiny crybaby he was. I think I was around 14 at the time and he was 9. Mistake 2. So as I was teasing him I didn't even think of the weapon in his hand being the big daddy of thermoses. He obviously did cause he took the cup off the top and hurled it at me. He was maybe, MAYBE 4 feet from me at the time. It hit me directly in the middle of my head between my eyes. And immediately started swelling. I FREAKED out crying and left his ass sitting there and got on my bike and started peddling home before something happened worse then the swelling. Like a brain hemorrhage or something. I was 14. Hmm maybe I did have anxiety before I thought.
 So I get home and by this time I literally have a lump sticking out 4 inches. I run in screaming and crying to my mom, "Tony threw the thermos cup at me and it did THIS!". Being the fair mother she is, she asked why would Tony do something like that? So I told her I finished the water without giving him a drink. To which Mom responds: "Wow sucks to be you right now." Thanks for that Mom.
So there's one story from my childhood that I vividly remember. I am still surprised I don't have a dent in my head from that damn thing. Tony still thinks its funny too. Glad someone does.
Me and Tony got into so many fights, so much trouble together that it would take me ages to write everything down. But he was/is a great little brother. If I promised him money I could get anything out of him. I used to pay him to look at my poop in the toilet just cause I thought it was funny, and I needed a witness to tell people about the epic size of my turds. But I digress.
I think maybe tomorrow nights blog will be about the torture my older brother used to do to me. Ya know HE might be the reason I have anxiety at all. Not really. I love him too. But he was an ass to me. And I am sure Tony thinks I was an ass to him. I think its the childhood school of hard knocks when you have an older sibling.  But that's enough for tonight. Please don't judge me based on my paying for turd viewing. It made me laugh and it made my parents laugh. I wonder if he would do it now....Mellie Out.

The Short Story of My Anxiety

Lets see what did I do today...I woke up at about 6:45am after going to sleep about 3 coughing my head off. Then I had it in my mind that I couldn't stop coughing. So i continued coughing on and off for about 20 minutes. Ahhh the lovely world of anxiety. Coughing is actually where my first panic attack stemmed from.
It was a few weeks after I had my oldest. And I was overtired, over emotional, and I had a bad cold to top things off. My husband being the loving guy he is woke me up to inform me I was coughing too loud and I was going to wake the baby.
 Apparently I haven't changed since childhood.
 When you tell me to stop doing something it makes me want to do it more. And more I did. Then I couldn't stop. Then I told the husband I couldn't breathe, then I briefly lost my mind. That's pretty much when I lost my normal life too. That night I was able to be convinced that I was breathing, and that I would in fact eventually stop coughing. The first of many "pep talks" Jason would be giving me over the next 6 years. I did eventually stop coughing, but I had the constant fear that I would have that feeling again. And so as the old saying goes "If you build it they will come"...Wait that quote really doesn't fit. But I am too lazy to backspace at the moment so deal with it. But anyways you get my drift. The more I thought about that crazy feeling I had, the racing thoughts, the rapid heartbeat, the hot and cold body temperature. The more I dreaded the next time it would happen. So in doing that I created a vicious cycle. And it did indeed happen again. But in different ways. Sometimes it would hit at night when I was doing nothing but waiting for it to come. Then it started happening during the day when  I was alone with the baby. Making me absolutely terrified to be alone with my new baby because I was afraid I would die of some horrible constant coughing disease and she would be with me helpless.  So that started another vicious cycle of me being afraid to be alone with my baby. And I refused to be alone with her for 6 months. Hardest, most guilt ridden 6 months of my life.
 I know you are thinking "did she go to the doc?" Honestly I didn't go for a while. I was scared they were going to call me crazy and throw me in a mental institute. But finally I went and they prescribed me something. And I swear it made me worse after 1 pill. Now keep in mind I was new to the anxiety game. I didn't know they had side effects and took time to work (Like 6 weeks). I hightailed it to the ER so fast and told them I was going to pass out and die, right there. They had better do something. So I got the checkup. Nothing wrong with me but anxiety. I was clearly hating this damn word. Anxiety. What a heinous word. So that was the beginning of the anxiety train. To make a long story short, cause it is a long story, I ended up going to the ER 5 times in one week. I also went to the doctor numerous times. I tried to get therapy. They told me I had to be suicidal for them to squeeze me in. "Are you suicidal?" "No dumb ass I am as far from suicidal as possible, I FEAR death" "Then move along we can't help" So move along I did. I actually started avoiding everything and anything that made me the slightest bit anxious. That led to not leaving my house for 6 months.  Not the best solution. But eventually I found an online support group where people actually made sense of this anxiety crap. And it helped me more then I can ever express my gratitude for. Then I went on a new med, knowing the side effects in advance and knowing to give it a chance to work. Started thinking positive about everything.
 So I still have anxiety. I think I always will. I honestly think everyone does to some degree. But I cope better with it these days. I still avoid things. But not everything. That's the main thing. I am moving on. And even if its one step back and 2 steps forward, I will eventually get to my destination.
Tomorrows blog (if I am so inspired to do one LOL) will be a happier one, a more ranting one. The kind I am now famous for. But we can't be a clown our whole life can we? So I must take a serious moment now and again. You'll deal.  Mellie Out.